I have never fully felt like a woman. To some that won’t make any sense at all, and to others it makes perfect sense. I don’t know exactly how to describe it but I just have never felt like I neatly fit into the gender binary and only now, at 24 am I beginning to allow myself to explore this part of myself.
I have asked myself many times, Do you actually want to be a boy? Do you feel that you were born in the wrong body? Do you want facial hair, a penis and everything else that comes with being a man? Do you want to transition? Do you want to do HRT? Do you want to be able to pass as a man? To all of these questions I respond with a firm and confident “No” except for the last question posed. The question, would I want to be able to pass as a man and if so, would that make me happy? That question trips me up simply because yes, on some days ( not everyday) I would like to go about my life under the radar as a dude. No tight jeans, no purse- just me, some sexy man pants, a hoodie and a “I- dont-give-a-fuck” attitude. I feel like it would be easier and less stressful to be a man.
Now, if there was like, a temporary way to transition instead of a permanent transition( AKA top surgery) I would probably consider it. Because of this, I don’t identify as being trans, per se. I have done A LOT of research and there is a label ( because thats what it is right? Just a label.) for something called gender fluid which describes someone who, like me, does not feel like they fit into either the category of male or female. Some people who are gender fluid will vary how they dress day to day based on whether they “feel” or identify as a male or female on that particular day. For example, “Maggie” might feel very feminine on Tuesday and wear a dress with cute ballet flats and do her makeup, while Sunday she might feel more masculine and sport a pair of loose fitting mens jeans, a T-shirt and a hoodie. Like I said— confusing to some but understood by others.
I think in my perfect world, and what I am looking for is to be androgynous. For example, one of my favorite people in the world is Erika Linder. She is the epitome of sexy both as a male AND female. She was the first model to be hired as a male and female model. If you don’t know who she is, look her up and I guarantee whatever sexual orientation you are you will have a crush with in seconds of viewing her beauty.
Androgyny is SEXY. Its mysterious! It’s everything I want to be. However, I feel that since I am a bit on the chubby side and I have a somewhat feminine face that wouldn’t be easy to play off. Mostly for me it’s the weight thing I am hung up on. In my eyes, Erika Linder is able to be androgynous is BECAUSE she is thin enough that her body is able to easily transition to male and female. She is thin enough to fit into cute boy clothes have striking cheekbones, great hair and she does not have large boobs that get in the way of the illusion of her being masculine. I have boobs and my hips/ love handles are quite visible. I don’t know how anyone could ever mistake me for being a man because of these traits, which is disheartening.
So, I will try, little by little to experiment and see when I feel most comfortable. If that means wearing mens clothing all the time, or some of the time then so be it. I am sick of feeling like I have to dress a certain way to be acceptable. Why do I have to be feminine? Can’t I be just as sexy in a beanie, track jacket and jeans?
So basically world, I am shouting: I don’t need your gender expectations anymore world! SUCK IT!