So my day began at 1:00pm because as a result of my life not going my way lately, I have been sleeping later and later each day. I scurried off to my therapy appointment at 2 where I talked to my therapist, Chris, who I have been seeing for the past 6 years. It went well I suppose. I was quite a mess, crying about life and how I feel like once again, I am headed nowhere fast.
We went over the DSMV criteria for bipolar together, and went over my symptoms just to touch base. She agrees with my psychiatrist, and thinks I am bipolarNOS- a grey area of bipolar disorder. Well lah-dee-frickin- DAH! I still hate that word… bipolar. But, if the shoe fits… She said she is interested to see what the mood stabilizer does for me, if it will kinda, even my emotions out instead of going up and down all the time. The crazy thing is, all my life I thought the NORMAL thing was having strong emotions on the flip of a hat. I thought it was normal that little things set everyone off into ridiculous tail spins of anger or sadness. She politely informed me I was wrong. I found that kind of funny…
I am now hyper aware of my emotions, how they seem to change frequently from one extreme to the next with little reason. I can feel the depression sinking in daily, it has just been waiting to creep up on me since it has been a few months since I was super depressed. The lack of motivation, isolation from friends, sleeping a lot, tearfullness but are all signs of the coming storm. But the most frustrating of them all of the feelings of helplessness and failure. I feel like I am drowning again, like everything is just becoming too much. I feel like I am going to be stuck forever, poor, friendless, crazy and alone.
I left my therapy appointment feeling jumbled and on edge. All I wanted to do was go home and cry. However I went to work at my shitty job selling vacuum cleaners smell the dream! I had to drive 45 min to my appointment and all the while I could feel myself unraveling. I felt like I was beginning to spin out of control, like literally nothing I could do would stop me from freaking out- which is extremely scary. luckily, I was able to call my friend and keep my shit together before my appointment where I go to a stranger’s home and do an hour and a half demo on a $2289 vacuum cleaner that they need, but probs can’t affords how glamorous.
Well, I made it through my appointment without crying so that is a success I suppose. However, I quit my job. I was doing a commission based job in which, I was not making any money. My rent is $840/month and I couldn’t afford to be driving 60+ miles a day and not get reimbursed for gas money.
So once again, I feel like a loser because despite the fact that I have had like 18 jobs since the age of 16 ( I am 22, so YIKES) I have never NOT had a job. So write that down on my list of shit to cry about.
HOWEVER! I am going to try to point out some positive things:
- I am alive as much as I may despise this fact in a matter of days, I am grateful now. I am breathing, I have a roof over my head and snyders from hanover pretzels in my cabinet.
- I am in school– something I was no able to say a matter of months ago. I am pursing an education which right now, is the most important thing to me besides, being happy. So, I am on some type of path to a greater life.
- psych is on in the background as I write
- Things could be a lot worse;I have all of my limbs, a quick wit, the ability to sing and write music and I have a supportive family. I still have ambition and goals so I am not a complete loser.
Hopefullythings WILL turn out better and work out.