Well, I saw this day coming. I have been writing in my diary about it since I was 16. On Friday, October 12 I was officially diagnosed with bipolarNOS. I went to see my psychiatrist, whom I havent seen in 3 years. I mostly went because I needed to get a script for my vyvance to manage my ADHD since it has been interfering with work and school.
Then we started going over other aspects of my life, like depression, relationships,body image, eating and sleeping habits and so forth. After our hour plus session she gave me a script for lamictal- a mood stabilizer on the diagnoisis I have a mood disorder– aka bipolar not otherwise specified.
I am not surprised about this diagnosis but I am still… I dont know, still at malease with it. I mean, it makes sence, the behaviors I have been exhibiting with promiscuity, stealing and alcohol use, it makes sense. My personality has changed greatly in the last year. I always aid to my mom “I feel like things are going so well, and I keep waiting for myself to come crashing down and have it all fall apart again.” Most of my life has been a bleak, depressed with peppering of feigned happiness. I have friends and for the most part, well liked but that never seemed enough for me.
I can’t count the many times I have considered suicide because I figure, I am a failure and things will never get better. The closest I have been to suicide was I think in 2009 the day before new years. I remember locking myself in my bedroom holding a bottle of pills in my hand, debating weather or not to swallow them. That was an exceptionally rough time in my life because I had dropped out of college a few months and was living at home with my parents.
That night I looked at a”dont kill yourself website” while I sat bawling on my bed. Its funny, whenever I want to kill myself I so badly want to reach out and tell someone, “please, save me, help me, I am hurting” and on the other hand at that point you don’t want to reach out. Maybe because people wouldn’t understand? Maybe because I picture what would happen if someone actually believed me and brought me to a hospital? Bright lights, a full waiting room, the chance to “change my mind” and say just kidding? Why I didn’t kill myself still evades me… I suppose I thought, maybe things will get better and if not, later in life you can give up.
So yeah, most of my days are filled with sadness but I have gotten great at masking it. People mostly tell me I am really morbid and I tend to talk about death a lot, and I am very negative and pessimistic. This is a part of myself I was forced to come to terms with my last boyfriend, Sean. He accepted that I was this was in the beginning and then shortly after he tired of my attitude. That is when I realized every day I have been waiting to die. I had been living my life not really having much foresight into reaching my goals I was coastin’. So, even though that relationship was an EPIC fail, I learned a lot about myself.
I wonder if this mood stabilizer will take away my ADHD symptoms… I am positive I really have ADHD and it was not misdiagnosed. At least my psychatrist stated that she thinks I really have ADHD. I have so much to learn about this, I have a few books by my bed but there is so much info! I still dont know what type of bipolar I have, 1 or 2, if I have ever been manic or a mixed episode… The things that confuses me is, why havent I ever been hospitalized? Why havent I had a manic episode or psychosis? Is this is a wrong diagnosis?
The only thing I don’t like about this is
A. I suppose, now I am considered mentally ill and that is a heavy burden to carry. With the stigma of mental illness I am considered “sick” and “unstable” Like, wtf. Being “mentally ill” is so much deeper than me just being sad and depressed and while that is somewhat of a comfort it is label that I don’t enjoy.
B. I certainly shouldnt join the army now… Since I am “sick” and I am “unstable” what would joining the army do to me emotionally? Thais why I was drawn to the army, I am able to detach from emotions and feelings, so if ever faced with combat I think I would be okay. I could continue to lie to my recruiters but if there really is a legit CHEMICAL IMBALANCE in my brain, then I am not well. I would be scared I would be pushed into an episode and become extremely depressed or something. 😦 *siiigh*