Set backs.

What a MESS of these past few days.

Lets start with my meeting with my recruiter yesterday. So I woke up at the crack of dawn- aka 8:30 am- and drove to meet sar price. I was only there for like.. 10 min! We weighed myself and I weighed 203. I guess I lost a few pounds on one day I weighed 208 so I don’t really know how much I lost. The part that kills me is the news I received. Because I am on a sleeping pill, it is going to take me 2 months to get off my pills. After I am off the pills I may have to wait several months to A YEAR before I can enlist!

To say the least I am PISSED. I HATE that I may have to wait over a year before I can get things rolling. I suppose this could be a blessing in disguise. Maybe this is Gods way of telling me to hold off before I make a huge mistake? I met with my therapist Chris to talk about me join the army. To say the least she was surprised. She really got me thinking and asked me a few great questions that I continue to ponder:

  • Why do I feel the Army is going to be any different for me..Am I really going to try harder at this than other endeavours?
  • Why have I not moved to NY- what is stopping me. My answer was fear.
  • what are my goals in life, I answered I want to be succesful,financially stable,competent in my job

I guess now my mind is not made up. I still think I want to join the Army because I believe it will be the kick in the pants I need. But last night when I was faded with grover I was thinking that maybe it is unrealistic for me to believe I will just morph into a different person when I join the army. Is it really logical for me to believe I will be obedient and disciplined? Is it something I really want?

I just dont want to join the army for the wrong reason which would be: me running away from  I really want because of a fear of failure and rejection. If I could wave a magic wand I would move to new york (with a couple thousand more that I have now) and re-shape my life. I need a change of pace, I want to be independent and figure out who I am. So maybe it would be a good idea to just pick up and MOVE TO NYC while I figure out what I want in life. Maybe if I go to nyc for a year I can figure out what is it I want in life and decide if I want to join the army.

I feel like I have so much growing to do. When I look at my life in the future when I am all grown up and in my 40s I still think I will be lost. I feel like I have no…determioniation. I feel like I will just be slacking thru life with no real path… 😦

So YAH. That is a scary realization to say the least…

Anyway, I went psycho and bought an iphone 4. Great purchase but it cost like $800+ over the period if two years.

And someone called me fat @ work today so taht was not cool. I am gonna quit soon, I can’t stand being bullied everyday at work. I? cantr stand feeling like an outsider who no one likes. It is depressing and stuff.

MEOW.

maybe I should start praying and put my trust and faih in God and hope that he can lead me to the right decisions..

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