So for some reason today was an overall “off” day. I woke up @ 1:30pm which is a waste of a day. I then had to cram and take copious notes for the one class I am in. I thought it would take me an hour or a little long but it ended up probs taking… maybe 3 hours total.
I went to the gym around 5:30 which i don’t know I will ever do again. There were so many people there! I was lucky to find one machine left of the kind I like. I decided to stop running since I am still out of shape. Instead I did 33 min of cardio and burned 340 calories! HAAAY! The workout was good except this one chick kept staring at me in the window a few machines down from me. So that was awkward. I didn’t really slow down or stop trying the whole 33 min so that is something to be proud of. Was it fun? No, but I did it.
This whole not liking working out it starting to get to me. It’s like, I know I have to workout to lose weight but I dislike it, so if it feasible for me to join the army? Part of me thinks that getting to basic training and completing it is the biggest battle. Up until then I think this is gonna be a major mind fuck, if you will. What I mean is, I can prepare myself physically and mentally as much as I want but in the end nothing will prepare me for what I will endure…I still want to join but the other part of me is being weighted down by my insecurities and doubts.
Things that scare me about the army:
- What if I don’t lose all the weight I need to by February which is when I want to leave?
- What if I don’t pass the ASVAB? Is it possible I am just not “army smart?”
- What if I realize that I made a HUGE mistake once I get to basic training and realize I wanted was to be in shape again or something?
- Will it really lead to me a better life? Or will it instead just be a detour to living/leading the life I really want to? What is somehow I am using the Army as an escape to NOT doing what I really want to?
Well I could list off a few more but I have officially scared myself! I am meeting with my recruiter tomorrow so I suppose I could bring these concerns up. However, I don’t want to seem noncommittal and have him doubt me. I suppose it does not matter what he thinks of me to a degree. I either want this, or I don’t. Plain and Simple.
I guess if anything I need more time to think about this. I can wait to get into shape and see how I feel once I get there. Because it would blow to go thru the enlistment process and realize “well now I am in shape and confident with myself, I don’t need the army.”
I guess I need to remind myself of why I first believed this was a good idea.
- I want to succeed at something that will not be easy
- I will get money for school
- I want to wear the uniform
- I want to see the world/ get out of wisco
- I want respect
I guess I have to ask, can I achieve any of the above things without enlisting? This is too big of a decision to make right now and perhaps I was naive to believe I could decided the course of my life in a week. However, I am still going to workout and push myself because I think deep down I know this would be good for me- whether or not it is 100% what I want I still don’t know. I view it as little risk for a great reward.
Peace and Love,