Highs and Lows

So today was an up and down day. I ate pretty well today, had a salad with nonfat ranch dressing which tastes like crap, water, granola with non fat milk and after I worked out I had a pb&J sandwich!

SO! Here is where my head is currently at. At work today my manager Joe challenged me to a pushup competion. He wanted me to do 5 push ups just to see if I could. I was reluctant to do so because I know I am not strong enough right now to do good push ups. He demonstarated 8 pushups and I geared myself up to try to do 5. As I got on the ground and started doing push ups I immeadatly heard people correcting me. “Get down lower” ” You are supposed to bend your arms” What is that?!” I did 5. Apparently I was just humping the ground as I realized I in fact, was NOT bending my arms. I was just lowering my body up and down.

To say the least I was embarrased because some people were assholes and started laughing at me when I exclaimed that I thouhgt what I was doing was a push up. I ended up crying the back to Kelly who was really supportive. She told me that it does not matter what they say. She also said that I don’t have to be able to do them now, that I am just staring training and im not gonna be prfect. I felt like an idiot for crying and I said “why am I crying?” And she goes “Because it is clear that this is important to you.” That really struck a nerve I was like ,she is right, this isn’t some spur of the moment thing, I want to do this.

So fter work I came home round 9:40 and decided to go on the treadmill. Here are my stats:

  • 23:37
  • 1.26 miles combo of running/walking
  • 222 calories, _ fat cal
  •  I realized how much hard work it will be just to get myself to basic training. I wish I wouldn’t have let myself become some fat/out of control with my eating. but it is what it is and now I have to work to change it.
  • I have already begun to doubt myself and my abilities to succeed.
  • I have decided from here on out that it is time to drown that little voice inside my head that is telling me I can’t do this.

I just got asked by someone “why not join the marines?” I didn’t have a good answer for it. I guess because the crucible does not sound like something I want to do…I guess I should think about that more. I am trying to not psych myself out about all of this, I am trying to not talk my way out of this. I don’t know if that is a red flag right away, or me proving to myself I want this.. I wish someone could tell me what to do and wave a magic wand to make me skinny! haha!

So overall I am trying to stay strong and stand tall in the face of self-doubt and weakness…Better practice now. I also hope and pray I stick with this because I have told so many dayum people about this, and i already have haters… If I let my self-doubt and others win I won’t be able to live that down. It is time to stand tall, push through the pain and WORK!

Keep hope alive,

Happy veterans day ❤

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